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-The Heart Broken-

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emotional instability. [20 Aug 2002|11:23pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

(this was actually written in my notebook journal first... fyi, so i didn't actually hang out with rob tonite...)

I just spent about an hour with watching the stars and talking with rob. i'm so comfortable talking with rob, but time was NOT of the essence, so all my bottled up feelings are still bottled up. seeing as how i have several journals for a reason, i decided to write in one.

so lets talk about those bottled up feelings, shall we? where to start....

love sounds good, since its one of the more over-powering emotions... the most over-powering, in fact.

I love steve. i completely fell hard for him. i suppose "just like a pill" by punk (which is conviniently playing right noe) states it perfectly: "you're just like a pill/ instead of making me better/ you keep making me ill."

What was once the source of all my happiness is now the source of all my pain. i had this idea of "the perfect guy" in my head, someone who was just right for me. he was decent looking, could play guitar, liked punk, liked just laying around together, good kisser, cared about me, missed me when i was gone, and could always make me smile (oh yeah, he was funny and good with kids too... a real cutie, ya know?)

then along comes steve... who has ALL of those qualities.

hes not only decent looking, but pretty hott, he friggin rocks at playing guitar, loves punk, enjoyed the times we spent just laying around, he's a wonderful kisser, cared about me, missed me, could always ALWAYS make me smile and was so sweet to his little sister all the time. we had something great. then i fucked it up.

why the hell did i have to be so overwhelming?! he said he dumped me cause he wanted to concentrate on his band... but i'll never believe that. hes said all the stupid dumping cliches... "Its not you, its me", "you didn't do anything wrong", "i still wanna be friends", "i PROMISE i'll call you tomorrow." sure, he did call the next day... he seemed fine, like he hadn't just completely destroyed my world, like he hadn't ripped my heart out.

looking him in the eyes became painful.

It hurts so bad....
Love Sucks.

you know, i admitted something to rob that i haven't ever admitted to anyone else.... i love all my friends cause i want someone to love me back. all i ever wanted was for someone to truley care about me.

i'm jealous of robs confidence. jaime called him cocky and big headed... hes not, hes just confident.

i wish i could wake up and be happy with myself... feel like i was good enough.

i felt that way when i was with steve.

tonite as me and rob watched the stars, i kept wishing. on every single shooting star i saw, i wished with everything in me, everything in my heart that steve would take me back.

good charlottes right you know...
"you can't change the way you feel/ i could never do that, i could never do that/ and you can't tell me this ain't real/ cause this is real/ and you could see right through that/ in the end it's all i've got/ so i'm gunna hold on to that/ so i'm gunna hold on and on and on and on..."

Comments: 2 broken hearts - break my heart.

Montag, montag! [13 May 2002|09:31pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I had the best monday ever today! after school, i went home with mags so she could clean the kitchen. then we went and got jy and greg. we all went to mcd's and then to the park by jts house. then we dropped jt off for like 5 minutes until we got him again and me, greg, and jt came over here... then mags called and said her mom had given her moolah to go get shoes. so we all went to the b-ville mall. greg took some major abuse for randomly blurting out "oh shit, i have to call my house and have someone tape dinotopia for me!" i laughed my arse off! i've never laughed so hard! i love you greg, and i know you're reading this ;)

then we were all gunna go home, but i was like, no, lets go to robs. we were at robs for like 5 minutes and then we all (now rob and john were with us) went to cory's. me and mags laced her new kicks, and i burned the ends of the laces. the boys (andy, jt, rob, cory, john & greg) were playing basketball, and us girls (hallie, mags and me) had a burning inside that made us want to play. it took a while for the boys to take us seriously, but i think we put forth some GREAT effort. (*we go girls!*) before the game started i took off my shoes, so now my feet hurt like hell, but it was way worth it. mags went home, and it was starting to get dark, so we all kinda stopped playing.

then the night had a perfect ending. we were drinking water from a jug cory had brought out... and me and cory got in a water fight. needless to say, i lost badly. i got completely drenched. :) then i gave cory and greg big wet hugs... haha. then as rob was walking towards his car, i ran up and attacked him from behind... that was fun too!

then i went home, and i'll probably crash pretty soon. good times. and to everyone who was there tonite who is reading this.... *THANKS SO MUCH FOR A GOOD TIME!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!*

Comments: 2 broken hearts - break my heart.

Caitlin's Cabin [05 May 2002|06:31pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

yes greg, i was at caitlin's cabin yesterday... sorry i didn't "inform the rest of you"! haha.

it took 2 1/2 hours to get up there. we played sick little games to pass the time... it was fun. jt was in shotty, caitlin was obviously driving and i was in back with cory. (btw, while we were playing our sick little games, jt said that me and him would make a good couple... but i'm not gunna get to excited about that...) it was a great amusing car ride, full of boob grabs and punches. ("BIG SCARY WHITE VAN...NO BACKS!") good times. we stopped off at treasure city (cuz it had pirates on the sign so i was intrigued...) to go to the bathroom, and went to subway for lunch.

when we got to her cabin, the boys helped her dad put the docks in, and then we went 4-wheeling. we were all lookin really cool in those jazzy snap up jackets and helmets... damn, we were hott! it was tons of fun, and regardless of how much crap i gave jt for almost killing me, i really did have a good time. it was crazy. when we got back from that, i was shakin like a mother, but caitlins mom had made these awesome brownies... then we decided to go to perkins before we came home. it was good.

the ride home was a lot quicker, it included sick little games, but mostly just jt sleeping, me playing cards and watching him sleep (NO I DIDN'T MOLEST YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!! but thats not to say i didn't consider it.... hehe), and cory and caitlin in the front trying to find cars to get each other for. it was amusing. when we got back, we chilled at caitlins for a while, then headed over to chelseas for the big family shin-dig. we weren't there for very long before we left and brought chelsea with us back here. we were gunna go in the hot tub, but never got around to it. ryan and nate stopped by, it was cool to see them, i never see those guys any more! all in all though, i had some nice bonding time with jt :)

today james and katie came over to do our german project but we never did cuz adam didn't show up. after they left, i called mags and within 10 minutes her and greg were in my driveway... followed by mike. the 4 of us went cruisin, it was cool. i'm so superly tired though! i'm pretty sure after dinner, i'll maybe watch a movie and then go to bed. thats all for now!

Comments: 1 broken heart - break my heart.

Sum41 [03 May 2002|11:40pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I just realized that i never wrote about the Sum41 concert, so here goes....

Me, james, pugh, mags, jeremy and jt went to a sum 41 concert on april 30th. it was so much fun! i had some great time with jt, plus i just had a blast! mags and pugh were in the mosh pit, james and jerms were just kinda in their own little world... which left me and jt to amuse ourselves. we spent the majority of the night sitting and cuddling (aww...) together amusing ourselves... it was awesome. the concert was great, and i think we all had a good time... i know i certainly did. being with him is just so... i just don't know. its great. i had tipped some of my hair blue for the concert, it was all nasty and crusty.. but i really didn't care. it was a good time. sum is still awesome live. next concert... pop disaster tour with blink and green day. i can't wait!

i'm gunna go to bed now though, i'm going to caitlin's cabin tomorrow and we're leavin pretty early... later!

Comments: 1 broken heart - break my heart.

brilliant dance [01 May 2002|09:00pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

* so this is odd * the painful realization * that all has gone wrong * and nobody cares at all * nobody cares at all * so you buried all your lovers clothes * and burned the letters lover wrote * but i doesn't make it any better * does it make it any better * and the plaster dented from your fist * in the hall where you had your first kiss * reminds you that the memories will fade * so this is strange * our side-stepping has come to be * a brilliant dance * where nobody leads at all * but nobody leads at all * and your picture frames are facing down * and the ringing from this empty sound * is deafening and keeping you from sleep * and breathing is a foreign task * and thinking is just to much to ask * and your measuring your minutes * by a clock thats blinking 8s * well this is incredible starving insatiable * YES THIS IS LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME * well you'd like to think that you were invincible yeah * well weren't we all once * before we felt lost for the first time * this is the last time * this is the last time * this is the last time *



goddamn, why does history have to repeat itself!? YES, i'm saying it loud now!, I NEVER GOT OVER HIM!!! (not ryan, i'm talking about someone else way before ryan...) and now spending all this time with him is making me realize it. i know, I KNOW he doesn't like me... so why do i even bother. i told greg not to be afraid to take risks... but i'm so scared. i thought i wouldn't make it through the last heartache... but this will be the second MAJOR blow from the same guy! and it'll probably be 20 times worse! but hes such a sweetie, regardless of what a few people think. i'm so comfortable in his arms. sometimes when we're hanging out with everyone, i just wish they'd all go away and leave me with his so i could just sit in his arms. i'd probably start crying. but right now, his shoulder seems like the most opprotune place to cry! gotta be stong though... after all, hes only a guy! ... right? it happens so often when i am in his arms and it seems like no one is around. the world could be coming to an end, but as long as i was in those arms, i wouldn't notice. he'll never like me though. my mind knows it, so why the hell won't my heart listen!? so tired of the lonliness..



* i'm missing your bed * i never sleep * avoiding the spots * where we'd have to speak * and this bottle of beast * is taking me home * i'm cuddling close * to blankets and sheets * but your not alone * and your not discrete * make sure i know whose taking you home * i'm reading your note over again * and theres not a word that i comprehend * except when you signed it * i will love you always and forever * well as for now we're gunna hear the saddest songs * sit alone and wonder * how your making out * and as for me i wish that i was anywhere * with anyone * making out * i'm missing your laugh * how did it break * and when did you rise * begin to look fake * i hope your as happy as your pretending * i'm cuddling close * to blankets and sheets * and i am alone * in my defeat * i wish i knew he was safley at home * i'm missing your bed * i never sleep * avoiding the spots * where we'd have to speak * and this bottle of beast * is taking me home * wel las for now we're gunna hear the saddest songs * and sit alone and wonder * how your making out * but as for me i wish that i was anywhere * with anyone * making out * your hair its everywhere * screaming infidelities * and taking its wear * your hair its everywhere * screaming infidelities * and taking its wear * your hair its everywhere * screaming infidelities * and taking its wear *


i wish i was beautiful and witty... then maybe i'd have a chance. but i'm just me...

Comments: 1 broken heart - break my heart.

i just don't even know [02 Apr 2002|09:23pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

ouch. this on REALLY hurt. it was so obviously going to happen but for some stupid ass reason i wouldn't let myself believe it would. god i'm a moron. i like him so much... i can only think of one thing thats hurt even near as much as this does, and ironically it involves another ryan... i should have known. goddammit, why did i let myself believe them!? for all of those wondering, i finally talked about the swing thing. he flat out told me he didn't like me, and he said that hallie had told him i was "all excited cuz i thought for sure he liked me". BULL SHIT! i never said that. i wished and hoped and prayed my heart out that he did, and i actually started to believe myself, but i knew deep down he didn't. god, this fucking hurts. and the worst part is i know he doesn't care. i'm sure it doesn't even matter to him if i'm alive. ow, that really hurt to say outloud. but it seems so true. i was talking to him online just now, and then he said he was leaving to go take a shower... but isn't that why he didn't want me to stop by after school? damn, that boy must be really clean. i'm so fucking stupid.

Comments: 6 broken hearts - break my heart.

*sniff sniff* [24 Mar 2002|11:22pm]
[ mood | excited but not ]

hey guys.... this is my last entry for a week. in about 8 hours, i'll be heading to the airport to leave you all for a week... i wish i could stay. but its only a week, right?! i can survive... i'm sure my wrist will hurt like a mother when i come back from writing so many postcards (and i've already put stamps on some envelopes so i can actually send letters) but i don't care. i love you guys too much to completely cut myself off for a week... i just wish i could have seen ALL of you tonite, and said goodbye to everyone. i didn't even get to say goodbye to my goddamn dog! i miss everyone already. i'm pretty sure if i had my liscence i'd just be driving around sitting in everyones driveways. thats kinda sick, but i'm really gunna miss you guys. it'll be so much easier when its my senior trip and i get to bring 3 friends... my parents said if i can talk someone else's parents into coming i, me and that person can bring 6 other people! (hey james-- do your parents want to go on a spring break trip in 04? my parents said they think it'd be a riot to go on a vacation with them!) so this is where i say my final goodbye. i should be off to bed, but who knows how long i'll ramble on about non-sense. i had a really good time this weekend -- thanks guys for making my weekend fun... i wish you could all come with me. wouldn't that be wild?! everyone in one house in florida on the beach... we could all watch the sun set together, instead i'll be watching it with my family. i would enjoy it more with you guys. i'm gunna try to take plenty of pictures, and i probably won't be that tan when i come back (you know that james!) at least i hope not, i'll feel way to out of place then! wow, i can't believe i'm writing a whole entry about how much i'm gunna miss you all... but i really will. when i come back though, theres gunna be some major good times happenin to make up for all the time i missed. and here's where i sign off... *tips hat, sniffles and takes a bow* good night ladies and gentleman, i'll talk to you all in a week! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!

james-- will you send me letters to keep me posted on whats going on?

Comments: 1 broken heart - break my heart.

BITCH! [24 Mar 2002|12:26am]
Comments: break my heart.

if you want blood , you got it! [22 Mar 2002|11:48pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

hey hey ladies and gents! this is da smallster here, and as you can tell, i'm totally jazzed! i had a great afternoon/night... but now i really don't want to go to florida for spring break *sniff sniff* i'm gunna miss you guys! but ok, since i'm sure your just DyInG to know why i'm so jazzed, here goes my day....

i started off the day great. i actually woke up, and was awake, when my alarm went off. i got to shower as long as i wanted cuz my lazy ass bro wasn't going to school til after 3rd hour, so my mom gave me a ride to school. i didn't have my bag cuz i left it in ryan's car last night, so jaime brought it home with her, so joan had it this morning. school was pretty boring, although biology and math were somewhat fun today!

after school, me, james, hallie, john, rob and mags went over to jaime's aunts house to see her puppies. they were so adorable! i loved them... to bad i already have a baby brat (who i do love, regardless of how much of a brat she is!) after that we went to subway (yum) and then came here. (we had to take mags home b4 we went to subway though) we chilled here for a while, then ryan and nate showed up (completely randomly for once!) and then not too long after, jeremy came.

we all chilled here for a while, kinda seperated into 2 groups though... it was weird. i made orange/strawberry julius, it was ok, but i'm sure i could have made a way better batch if only i had remembered how before i just started throwing stuff in the blender...

we played some pool, some 64, a little cards, went to cub... then james, john and hallie went home. at 11 the rest of us had to get out of the house (my parents told me to have everyone out by 11) so me, jeremy, nate, rob and ryan just went and cruised. we were driving along, and i saw i sign for a park and i was like "heyo, lets go to the park!" totally thinking they wouldn't stop... but they did! so we played on the park for a bit, then we all mingled towards the swings... and thats where it happened. ryan was on the handicapped swing so i jumped in front of him til he stopped, then hopped on his lap. we were just swinging for a while, he was "warming his hands" up my shirt... and then it happened. WE KISSED!!! wooo whoooooo! go friggin jess! i'm so jazzed about it. we made out for not to long then all the other guys realized what was going on and decided to make "o0o0o's".. so we stopped. but oh man, it was great. *sigh*

then we had to go home cuz it was getting late. so they came back here to drop me and jeremy off. (so he could get his truck) rob had to run inside quick to grab his cell phone, and i went back outside with him, gave him a hug then walked over to ryan's window and he actually opened the door, unbuckled his seatbelt an hugged me! i was so jazzed. then i ran to the other side to get a hug from nate too, the big ole teddy bear :)

*sigh* so jazzed... i'll never sleep, but if i do, i'll know i'll have sweet dreams!

Comments: 3 broken hearts - break my heart.

boredom... [21 Mar 2002|08:34pm]



Aw, cheer up little ducky. Why so glum?

Find your inner rubber ducky.
Comments: break my heart.

ah... what a great night :) [20 Mar 2002|09:47pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

i had a really great night...

ryan gave me, nate and nick rides home again... but i didn't want to go home. so we dropped off nick, stopped at nates, then went to ryans for like 15 minutes. then i wanted to come back here for moolah and what should have been a 5 minute stop turned into like a half an hour. but it was cool, so i don't care. then we went to the bank so i could get cash and went to hollywood video so nate could get his paycheck. we went and mosied around best buy for a bit, and then we went to old country buffet.

it was so friggin good! i ate until i just couldn't bear to eat any more. but it was good. then nate had to go home, so me and ryan took him home, and neither of us wanted to go home, so we just went up and parked at this parking lot/skating rink/park up the street. i love just sitting in his car talking to him. we really do have good conversation, but i froze my ass off. in the last 20 minutes we were there, ryan invited me to come sit with him under his coat, so of course i did. he was so warm, and i was so unbelievably comfortable just laying there with him. i wanted so despereatly to kiss him, but i didn't want to scare him. but of course, as soon as we both got comfortable, it was time for me to go home. damn my parents and their 9:30 curfew...

Comments: 4 broken hearts - break my heart.

boredom will do this to ya.... [19 Mar 2002|03:27pm]
The singular boring question: What is your name? Jess, duh. (nerd.)
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? nick i think?
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? nope, i don't like my name
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? i'm thinkin... rob. (seriously, i think it'd be friggin awesome to be a girl named robbie!)
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? i dunno, they really don't
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? if i changed my name to robbie hell yeah!

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? um i guess not
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? i don't know
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? not really, but somewhat
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? no where
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? nope

HUMOR
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? if i'm in a good mood, yes
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? JT! that crazy fool can always get me to laugh!
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? yeah... haha.
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? yes, like those crazy (and bad, those are terrible!) jokes of steves
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? penis
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? i just don't know, theres too many to chose from... right now all that comes to mind is "...crap like you!!..." (ask if u really want to know the whole story, its pretty funny!)

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? yeah, all the time, i am right now!
(20) What is/are the worst song(S) you have ever heard? too many to chose from
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? i don't know
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? again it goes unnoticed by dashboard confessional or rockstar boyfriends by tuuli
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? black, black heart? jk, probably girls just wanna have fun
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? um, i don't know, probably some sort of incubus song :)
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? anything.

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? the neverending story! no one friggin likes that movie, but i say it kicks major ass.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse that the original? depends on the movies
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? the ol' chewster... or yoda, he does kick some major old wrinkly ass.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? um... ones with heath ledger...
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? the little mermaid 2... don't even get me started.

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? well, right now i'm eating some vanilla frosting right out of the can with a spoon... so obviously healthiness. (ha!)
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? motz or fake lookin cheese
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? that i like italians and fake looking people?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? i try not to think about it.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? i don't really eat too much meat... so yeah i guess so.


COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? not at all.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? sometimes...
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? just more "open" sometimes, i guess
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on e-Bay and regretted it later? no

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? yes, boys have it so easy (lucky bastards.)
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? boys can be so adorable... except when they are complete and total ASS HOLES
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? right now i can't think of anything guys do that pisses me off that girls don't do too.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? lots of things

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? not really, but sometimes
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? hmm... probably the guys of sum 41, incubus, jimmy eat world, dashboard confessional or the ladies of tuuli
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? no...
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? i don't know, i think it'd be friggin awesome to have like julia stilies play me... although we look nothing alike and we're probably complete opposites.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? yes.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? any of those people who i want an autograph from
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? maybe for a day

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? yes.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? yupp, i've had it memorized since i worked at the zoo *shudder*
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? i don't even know what an IP address is!
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? see previous answer
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? uh uh
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? yes.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? i don't think about that sort of thing, so its really not an issue
(60) What do you think of pi? i don't!

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? nope
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? EXCITED AS ALL HELL!
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? depends on how much i know about them and if they "intrigue me"
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? yeah
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? i really don't care.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? i don't really have one...
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? yeah... if i really like someone, who gives a flying *BEEP* what they look like (this is a family place, keep the swearing down dammit!)
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? i don't know, ask them!
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? i don't know....
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? maybe... i haven't really been looking at the numbers

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? my blankie, my cds, and my pictures of my homies
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? A PACER!
(73) How badly do you want it? badly enough to possible have one in 27 days!
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? yes i have
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? possessions... haha, i get it... THAT LONG.

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? yes.
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? in about 5 years...
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? i dunno, i don't think you can really beat the beat up cheerleader... or that bumble bee.
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? that one year when i was a showgirl... but everyone thought i was a whore... now that i think about it its actually pretty funny...
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? none of them, they all lost their meaning when greeting cards were invented.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? Everythings free day, but just for me and my friends

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory? its ok
(83) How good is your long-term memory? its ok
(84) What is your earliest memory? probably breaking my arm... maybe.
(85) What is your happiest memory? almost any time with my friends
(86) What is your strangest memory? i don't know, anything with my family!
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? um.. none i guess, i have the ones i want memorized for now...


TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? 10 things makes me cry sometimes, same with down to you
(89) What book makes/made you cry? WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS! i hate that book!
(90) What song makes/made you cry? a ton: always -- bon jovi, screaming infidelities -- dashboard, my sundown -- jimmy eat world... depends on whats going on in my life
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? meine freunde :)
Comments: break my heart.

like i needed a survey to tell me that! [19 Mar 2002|02:46pm]



What is your meaning of life?
Comments: 3 broken hearts - break my heart.

its alright cuz its friday night [16 Mar 2002|11:43am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

ok, last night was pretty cool...

me, james and mags went to the bank to cash in our change... i got $13.82 :) then we came back here and hung out for a while. we had a surprise visitor after a while, who turned out to be cory. so the 4 of us hung out here for a while, and right when everyone was getting ready to leave, ryan called. i was talking to him and said good bye to everyone. james came back 5 minutes later.

me and james chilled while doing crossword puzzles out of people for a while, and then we talked my mom into letting us go get chinese food. so we went to go get the chinese, stopped at oasis and mr movies, and then came back. ryan came over about 15 minutes after we got back, so he had to watch us eat... haha. the 3 of us chilled here til like 9:15 when jaime wanted to go to her cousins. so we went there for a bit, and ryan went home and told us to call him when we were on our way home. we called b4 we left missy's and then called him again when we were at jaime's. we didn't get a hold of him until we were back home, and he gave us some news that kind of put a wrench in our plans for the rest of the night... jt, cory and rob were over there. now, its not that we don't love those guys, but my mom had specifically said before she went to bed that ryan was the only one who could come over. so after a while, he kicked them out and came over.

the 3 of us chilled in the hot tub for a while, then at like 11:30 came inside. it was a cold journey from the hot tub to the house, filled with snow and frozen feet. it was crazy. we chilled out here for a while, and then at like 12:15, ryan went home. it was a good night, and hopefully tomorrow/tomorrow night will be just as good.

Comments: break my heart.

wednesday and yesterday.... [15 Mar 2002|03:43pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

hey hey! ok, heres the scoop on wednesday and thursday...

wednesday after school, rob, ryan, nick, and james came to chill over here for a while. then my parents kicked us out at like 5:30 and rob had to go home. so we took rob home and went to ryans and chilled for a while... then at 7:30 james had to go home, so me and ryan took her home, then we just sat in my driveway for a little bit. after like a half an hour, i suggested we go and park somewhere else... so we went up to this park up the street. we chilled out there for like 45 minutes just talking (i would have been up for "other activities", but last i heard, hes not interested) then we went driving for a bit... it was fun :)

yesterday was spent with ryan and james again, but this time we were hanging out at jaimes. i got there at like 5:30 and ryan got there at like 6:30. we had dinner (pancakes and bacon.... yummy) and then just went and chilled downstairs. james and ryan played batgammon and i just sat and watched trying to figure it out. then we watched the gilmore girls episode from tuesday... we were all laying on the couch downstairs, it was cool. layin with 2 of my fave people... it was great. (*i love you both!!!*)

tonite i don't know whats going on yet. all i know is my dad is leaving for the weeked (yay) but i dunno what i'm doing. i'll keep ya posted! *tips hat* good day sir!

Comments: 3 broken hearts - break my heart.

my day wheeeeeee [12 Mar 2002|09:57pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

hey hey hey! i'll start with yesterday, cuz it was pretty cool.

ok, so school was boring, but i had a good day. after school i came home and chilled for a while until james came to pick me up for the choir concert. (i hit my head getting into her car! it hurt!) then (duh) we went to the concert. we screamed for seth (jts bro), rob, tonz, mike t, and ryan. it was fun screaming like we had terets... but i think i had a panic attack while we were in there. either that or i was just freakin out, (rob says its cuz of ryan, but pfff i see him all the time and i've never freaked out like that before!) but i was shakin like a mother, i could not stop shaking my legs. i got all hot and mags said i was red. so i took my sweatshirt off, and my skin was freezing but i was burning up. i was freakin out, it was scary. after we finished watching the concert, we left and waited for ryan. i still couldn't stop shakin, it was crazy. then we all went to dairy queen (me, rob, james, mags, jt and ryan... and i hit my head again in the same spot getting into jaimes car!) it was fun. jt was nice enough to buy me and james food cuz we were broke (thanks babe!) i had a really good night, but i was really stressed about james and jeremy fighting. ryan took me home after DQ. me and jt had some good bonding time that night, it was nice to just have fun with him again.

then today, i went to school (as usual) and i actually had a pretty decent day, but i was so friggin tired. at lunch, me and mags gave seth birthday signs and cute smiles to match them. poor guy, we harass him so much. but it was fun. then me, mags and kaila found ryan and asked him for a ride home, and of course he said he could give us all one. after school though, he ended up giving mags, kaila, jt, rob and then nick a ride home. i had to bribe him to drop me off last. at first it was just a dollar, but after much thought (and me remembering i wanted to give him money any way for driving me around so much) it went up to 10. he though i was joking, but i was serious as all hell. so he took me to the bank (he had dropped off everyone but me and nick) to get him his moolah. i gave him 15 cuz he drives me around a lot.

then they decided they wanted to go to the b-ville mall and asked if i wanted to go. i, of course, said yes. so we went to ryans to pick up some more money for him and to get his mail (i used the bathroom and called my dad) and then we went to nicks. me and ryan had some good bonding time in the car while nick was in his house... sniffin smelly markers :) it was cool. then the 3 of us went to the mall... i stopped by to see if chelsea was working, but it was her friend mel, so we stopped to talk for a bit. then we left and went to best buy. it was cool hanging out with them, they're both a riot when they're hyper. then i finally went home (at 5:30) and i told ryan to call me later about coming over to sit in the hot tub.

i got home and called james to come over for dinner (home made chinese night!) and she came over not long after. we finished eating and played some pool, then ryan came over. we played some more pool and all had a good conversation. then at like 8:30, we decided to go in the hot tub. james wouldn't come in :(, and she had to leave not long after. after she left, me and ryan went back out there and just chilled and talked. then my parents told us to come in, so we came in here and talked. i really love talking to him. we have good conversations and he gives the greatest advice. me, james and him decided this weekend we needed to do something with just the 3 of us... its gunna be cool.

thats all for now, i'll talk to you all later... I LOVE YOU ALL!

Comments: break my heart.

my weekend! [10 Mar 2002|06:23pm]
[ mood | cold ]

oh man, its been a while!

ok, last monday midterms went home. i was getting an f in math, so i got grounded for a week. on thursday me and my parents went to conferences (they made me go with them!) and they found out that i had raised my math grade to a d (and not cuz i had turned in late assignments -- i don't have any in math, and i'm still getting a d.) and i had raised my german grade too. so, after much whinning from me about what a bunch of bull it was that i was still grounded for a 3 day weekend cuz of a midterm in a class i wasn't even failing any more, they finally bent and told me i could go out either 2 nights or a day and a night. i chose the 2 nights...

friday night was one of the greatest nights of my life. ryan, jeremy, jaime, and caitlin came over for a bit, then we decided to go out to dinner somewhere. we picked up mags and went to taco bell. after taco bell, we went to hallies house. me, mags and ryan went to go pick up rob, and after that, no one left until 8 the next morning. hallies mom wouldn't let anyone leave cuz the weather was so crappy and the roads would have been terrible. it was so much fun having everyone spend the night there! we all hung out till about 11, when james, jeremy, hallie, john and rob decided it was time to go to sleep. but me, mags, ryan and caitlin wouldn't have it. we were all far to awake to even think of going to sleep. we kept most of the house up until 3:30... woopsie.

at like 12:30, me, mags, caitlin and ryan were just kinda chillin out and talking, and me and ryan got really hungary. we decided we should go raid the cupboards. it was so much fun! we were laughing so friggin hard. we both made ourselves some sandwiches, trying to be as quiet as we could, but hallie's mom came out. she was glad we had found something to eat, and mentioned to us how loud we were being downstairs. after she went back to bed, me and ryan decided to go bother rob (who was sleeping, alone, upstairs on the couch.) we were laughin so hard... we were trying to figure out where his face was, but it was pitch black. i got 2 inches away from what i think was robs face, but i was laughing so hard i had to run so i wouldn't wake him up. then we went back downstairs, and went into the storage room in hopes of finding something else to eat.

we spent about 15 minutes in there just laughing and trying to decide what to eat. we both ended up just having a granola bar. then we went back to where caitlin and mags were. mags had fallen asleep on us! so me, caitlin and ryan moved across the room and stayed up for another 3 hours just talking and laughing. we all laughed so much that night (the 3 of us anyways, everyone else was pretty pissed at us for keeping them up...) i didn't fall asleep til like 4 (at the end of the night it had ended up with hallie and john upstairs in her bed, rob on the couch upstairs, jaime and jeremy on the pullout couch, mags on the little couch, and me, caitlin and ryan on the water bed) and i woke up at 6:30! er. but i didn't mind waking up next to ryan ;) i watched the sun come up, and then just watched ryan and caitlin sleeping for a bit, then eventually hallie, john and rob came down. we all eventually went upstairs, and hallies mom made us some cinnamon rolls (yummy!) then we all went home, and i spent another day on the wash.

saturday night, we were all too beat to really do anything, so me, james, mags, jt and ryan went over to caitlins to just chill and watch movies. we had fun there too, we laughed a ton again and watched americas sweethearts. we had a very good conversation with caitlins dog too... then at like 10, we all started talking about going to perkins. but since caitlin couldn't leave the house, her mom made us really REALLY good pancakes and eggs. we feasted. it was soooo good. then at 11:45, we decided we should probably make our way home... jeremy drove mags and james home, and ryan was going to drive me and jt. but we couldn't open his car doors. ryan and caitlin spent 20 minutes trying to get them open, while me and jt watched and amused ourselves... we laughed a lot then, too. it was good times. after a while, caitlins mom just said she'd give us a ride, and she did. i went to bed not too long after i got home, cuz i was just too damn tired.

today, i watched 10 things i hate about you and the matrix. i love them both! i finished my art project (i think it looks like crap, but my parents seem to like it...) and finished off the wash. tomorrow i fully intend to go to the choir concert, and woo whoo! i can cuz i'm not grounded any more tomorrow! i'll tell ya all about it later.... BUH BYE! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! ::muah!::

oh yeah, ps-- sum41 is coming to town april 30th, and maggies dad is getting us tickets!! wooooo whooooooo!

Comments: break my heart.

woooo whooooo! [02 Mar 2002|02:15pm]
[ mood | content ]

ok, i'm gunna start with thursday, cuz i don't think i've written about that yet...

ok, thursdays, of course, are "cleaning night", so i'm usually not allowed to have people in the house. i had been talking to ryan online, and i told him (well, asked him) if he wanted to come over if he got bored. he said he might if he wasn't doing anything. i figured this was just a nice way to shoot me down... then later i was vaccuuming my bathroom and my mom came up and told me i had a visiter. so i walk downstairs and whose standing in my doorway?! RYAN! i was soooo excited, i just wanted to lick him. then i stopped cleaning and we headed downstairs. we talked for a while, and then my parents told me that friends was on. i figured he wouldn't want to watch it, and since we had planned to watch fight club, i told him we could skip friends and just start watching fight club. but he wanted to watch friends! it was sooo cute. so we watched friends, and then started watching fight club. then my phone started ringing off the hook. it was everyone calling about friday (i'll explain later...) so like, 7 people called. so obviously, we didn't make it through the movie. it was soo cool having him over, and having it just be me and him.... ::sighs dreamily::

ok, so about yesterday...

3 guys from eastview went to state for wrestling. so me and my homies decided to go to the tournament. me, mags, james, jeremy and zoe were gunna get a ride from ryan, and rob and andy were getting a ride from cory. then at 10:30 thursday night, ryan calls me and tells me he can't drive! so we all just decided to skip. we all had notes to get out of school, so why bother staying! we went to the first 2 periods of the day (except for ryan and mags, who just stayed home... buncha bums.), then we were gone! me james and jeremy took jeremy's truck and drove to ryans to wake his ass up... of course he wouldn't get up. so we decided to go visit kaila, cuz shes gunna be gone all weekend. so we were at kaila's for like an hour and a half, and i kept calling ryan. FiNaLlY, he got up, got ready, and me and jeremy picked him up. mr, james, ryan and jeremy spent the day just cruisin around and we eventually decided to go to the mall.

so we chilled at the mall for a while. i got some kick ass new shoelaces, and then 2 buttons, hehe. then we decided to leave, so we went to my house. we chilled there for a while, then james went home to get her car, jeremy had to go to work, so once again, it was just me and ryan chillin out here. we just played pool, but it was so much fun! then james came back with mags, jeremy came back cuz he didn't have to work, and zoe came over.

the order of the rest of the night is kind of a blur... we went to hallies, went to robs, ryan got his car (which once he did, whenever we were driving around, it was just me and him in there) and we eventually all (rob, cory, caitlin, james, jt, ryan, jeremy, zoe, mags and me) ended up here. at 11:30, everyone had to go home. i went to spend the night at zoes, and rob and ryan went to ryans.

all night, whenever i'd talk to cory he was trying to persuade me to ask out ryan. but i'm so scared! what if he shoots me down! what if he says yes just to be nice?! and i keep thinking he deserves way better than me... but thats just me being stupid.

today, i don't know what i'm doing. hopefully something though. i'll tell ya all about it as soon as i can!

Comments: 3 broken hearts - break my heart.

my music tastes, according to audiogalaxy.com [27 Feb 2002|05:30pm]
[ mood | bored ]

heres my music tastes for all to enjoy... it took me a couple of days to compile a list, but i finally did it. i would have had it several days ago, but i didn't save the list, and my comp froze....


* alternative rock * adult alternative * brit pop * grunge * indie rock * post punk * big beat * industrial * dance pop * easy listening * soft rock * teen pop * vocalists * bass * gangsta rap * old school hip hop * southern hip hop * pop rap * garage rock * prog rock * hard rock * g-funk * funk metal * hair metal * industrial metal * rap core * nu metal * thrash * speed metal * dancehall * pop reggae * ska * latin * novelty * comedy/spoken word * show tunes * hardcore punk * emo * pop punk * riot grrrl * ska punk *

hmm... must get more kinds... whahahaha!

Comments: 2 broken hearts - break my heart.

show me what its for make me understand it! [25 Feb 2002|09:02pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

ok, i had a great night...

we had planned to go to cory's cuz we were told everyone was going over there to play basketball. but since SOMEONE (coughcoughJTcoughcough) mis-informed us all, we got there 2 hours late. so we just cruised. we went and picked up ryan and then played a little chase. then we decided to go spy on andy since he spied on us for several hours on saturday night...

we scared the shit out of him. we just went around back, knocked on the window, and had a good laugh when he came around front with a hockey stick, haha. some good that would have done. but it was funny anyways. we were at andy's for a while, and then we decided to leave. jt came with us this time, cuz caitlin had to go home.

so the 4 of us (ryan, jt, me and james) went to wal mart to get some swedish fish. we ended up getting "red candy fish" which weren't quite as good, but they worked (they weren't orgasmically good, but they were ok). we also got some gum, of course.

so all in all, it was a great night. my day was full of cool people, and thats the way every day should be.

i loooooove you all! bye bye for now!

Comments: break my heart.

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